First Time
by Frankenstein-Drag-Queen
Summary: Jesse James is a male prostitute in 1886. One day he meets the love of his life. But he is not allowed to love him.


Title: First Time. Author: Kristina Q. Disclaimer: Hmmm... they are not mine. Never have been and never will be. Distribution: Anywhere. Just ask me. Couple: Jesse James/Billy Gunn. Warning: Some violence, male/male slash, references to male/male non- consensual sex and rape, prostitution, suicide, angst and character death. Rating: R. Spoiler: This happens in an alternative universe and alternative timeline, which means there are no spoilers. Notes: This was inspired by the song "First Time" by the Kelly Family.  
  
It was the year 1886. Everything seemed to be gray. Not many colors adorned the buildings. Some yellow colors brightened parts of them, but still it all seemed to be dark and cold. The wind was blowing, bringing brown leaves along with it. The streets were nearly deserted, only very few people standing on the street corners.  
  
One of those was a male prostitute by the name Jesse. Dressed in gray pants and a supposed to be white shirt, he seemed to fit perfectly into the surroundings. The expression on his face was one of complete misery. Sad eyes, his lips pouty.  
  
It was his destiny to please those who chose him, and in very rare occasions those who desired him. Or at least desired to be with him. Use him for whatever they wanted. He could not complain. It was his only way to survive. Without the money then he would die on the streets. As long as he traded his body for money then he was able to buy food and sometimes pay for a place to spend the night.  
  
He had no other choice. It was living like this or not living at all.  
  
Every person who passed by glanced at him. They knew what he was. Their eyes would tell. The disgust was easily shining through. He was disgusted as well. He disliked everything about himself. His pitiful pathetic life, all the things he did and the things he failed to accomplish.  
  
A man glared at Jesse from across the street. His eyes were cold. Watching him. Jesse knew this man. He worked for him. Most of the money he earned he would have to give to this man. The rest he could keep. He decided what Jesse was allowed to do and what he was not. Would he break those rules then he would be punished. He was somehow Jesse's owner.  
  
Jesse knew to do what he was told. Otherwise he would be hurt. If he was hurt then he would not be able to work properly and he would earn less money.  
  
Some days Jesse would even be allowed to stay in this man's room. He would give him food and a shelter from the dark cold nights. In exchange of Jesse's services of course.  
  
This day would be one of those days. Jesse could see it in the man's eyes. The twinkle told him to go to him. And so he did. He slowly stepped out onto the dirty road, approaching the man with every step. He could see him smile now.  
  
The other man gladly took Jesse's arm, leading him down the street towards the building where he had his home. He pushed the door open and held his arm out, motioning for Jesse to step inside. Jesse did not hesitate for a moment.  
  
In complete silence both men worked their way up the stairs until they were facing a door. The door where Jesse had spent many nights and days. Some had been painful others had not.  
  
He heard the door slam shut behind him. Could feel prying eyes traveling over his body. It was the same as always. He would bring him inside. Sleep with him. Give him food and let him rest for a while. Then send him out on the street again.  
  
The room was the also same. Colorless. Dirty. Dust covering the few pieces of furniture there was. Windows covered with a thick sheet of filth. On the floor there was all sorts of things. Clothing. Old rotten parts of food. Roaches. Everything that would make a civilized person nauseous. But Jesse was nothing. Only a tool. He was used to these things.  
  
Fingers began exploring his lower back, bringing him out of his thoughts. He tensed slightly at the touch. Could feel hands on his hips, forcing him to turn around to face the other man. For a brief second the gleam in his eyes could be mistaken with love. But his eyes would suddenly darken as always.  
  
Jesse felt himself being pushed down onto the bed, closing his eyes when he felt the other man beginning to tear at his clothes, impatiently trying to expose his body. Jesse wanted it to end, but he allowed it to happen. This was what he was. He could not fight it.  
  
***  
  
Curious eyes were watching the building closely. Waiting. Hoping. He stood there for many minutes. Only waiting for one particular thing. The smile on his face was a pure sign that he was full of hope and was currently on the verge of being happy.  
  
His waiting was finally over when he watched a man leave the building.  
  
He grinned as he slowly made his way to the door, carefully pushing it open and slipping unnoticeably inside. He walked up the stairs. Coming closer to the person he had been watching, fascinated by for the past many months.  
  
This was his chance to finally talk to him. Talk to Jesse. He only knew his name from the people in the town. The unfortunate Jesse as they had all named him. Pain had always coated his face. Billy had always felt so sad when he saw Jesse on the street. But still there was something about that man that Billy found attractive. Irresistible in some way.  
  
Now facing the door, Billy raised his hand and softly knocked on the door. No one opened. He knocked once more, hearing some faint curses from inside the room. This time the door was opened. Carefully. Nervously.  
  
He was met with weary eyes. "Who are you...?" Jesse questioned before yawning. The blond man concluded that he must have been sleeping. He felt bad for waking him during his rest. He knew Jesse definitely needed it.  
  
"My name is Billy," the older man told him, smiling slightly. Jesse was somehow confused. Who was this Billy and what was he doing here? Looking down at the other man's body, Jesse realized at once that this mysterious man was beautiful. Broad muscular chest. Blond hair, looking as soft and smooth as the purest silk. His lips, curled up in a soft smile were full and moist. Sparkling ocean eyes.  
  
But what was he doing there?  
  
Jesse was just about to tell Billy that the owner of the room was not there at the moment, but as if the man before him could read his mind he spoke before he even managed to say anything. "I am not here to see him. I am here to see you..." his voice trailed off into a whisper. A faint blush was decorating his cheeks. He was embarrassed.  
  
Billy knew why he could feel himself blushing like this. It was because he had been in love with Jesse for quite some time now. And now he was facing him. Speaking to him.  
  
"You want to talk to me...?" Jesse asked as he pointed at himself. He had never experienced that a customer had visited him while he was there. They had only approached him when being outside on the street. Although here they were safe from the many prying eyes. This... Billy could just be embarrassed to be seen with a person like Jesse. That was understandable.  
  
Sleeping with a whore was not good for your reputation. Especially not if it was a male whore!  
  
"I've been watching you when you have been standing outside" Billy spoke, his voice quite more confident than earlier. His sudden statement brought Jesse back to reality. Jesse simply glanced at the other man, waiting for the question he was always asked. How much would he cost. It was always the same question.  
  
This question did not come however. Instead he heard what he thought he would never hear from any person. "I like you. I would like to know you."  
  
Blinking in confusion, Jesse could feel his heart skip a single beat. He... he seemed to be sincere. He was not there to sleep with him. He was not there to hurt him. He was not there to deprive him. He was simply there to know him.  
  
Jesse could not believe it. Something so simple as friendship with another person was one of the many things Jesse had given up on. He did not feel worthy of friendship. Was Billy offering him a chance to have a friend?  
  
Jesse was speechless. Not knowing what to tell. What to believe.  
  
"I – I can not..." Jesse said then tried to close the door again. Billy would not let him, putting his hand on the wooden surface and keeping it open. Jesse froze. "Please...?" the older man pleaded for him not to close the door and leave him.  
  
"You can not be here. If he sees you then he will hurt you" Jesse begged for him to leave. "I do not care!" Billy stated firmly, still keeping the door open. Jesse could feel himself become frightened. He would be punished if he was seen with another person now. He still belonged to the man who lived there. He would be free again by dawn. But at this moment then he should not talk to anyone.  
  
"But I do!" Jesse exclaimed, his fingers quivering lightly. He could return at any moment now. "Please, you have to leave. I will talk to you tomorrow morning. I give you my word. Now please go."  
  
The larger man smiled and nodded, his eyes displaying nothing but pure joy as he finally removed his palm from the door, allowing Jesse to shut it.  
  
His heart was pounding, his back against the door as he tried to collect his thoughts. He was afraid of being punished, but most of all, he did not want to be the cause of another person being hurt. If Billy had been seen then he would be hurt. He would not let that happen.  
  
The image of Billy was still in his mind. He had never seen him before. Who was he? And did he really only want to know him? There had to be another reason. No person was foolish enough to want Jesse's friendship.  
  
Jesse tried not to think too much about the incident with Billy. He was exhausted and needed to rest. He knew that when he returned to his room then he would not let Jesse sleep. He let him be in his room only for his own pleasure. He took him when he wanted to.  
  
He laid down on the mattress, wrapping the blanket around himself, closing his eyes to sleep again.  
  
***  
  
The sunrays felt as if they were blinding Jesse when he woke up in the morning. He had not slept very well. Only a few hours of rest. When he had not slept he had been thinking about Billy or he had been sexually used.  
  
He rubbed his eyes harshly.  
  
He yelped abruptly when someone threw his clothes at him. "Get dressed" the man demanded. Jesse did not hesitate to obey. He quickly rose from the bed and began putting on his clothes, knowing that it was time for him to leave.  
  
Not many minutes later he was again back on the street. Everything was as it used to be. Gray. Eyes staring at him. Only that this time something did seem different. Jesse looked around for a brief moment and instantly found what he was searching for. Billy. He was there. Looking at him.  
  
For many minutes which felt like hours the two men only glared at each other. Into one another's eyes. There was something strangely comforting about this man. Jesse almost felt secure when Billy looked at him.  
  
All night he had only been able to think about him. Wondering what he really wanted. Jesse had even found himself thinking that he could actually try to be his friend. Although he was afraid of being burned again.  
  
Of course there was one thing that Jesse desired more than friendship. One thing that he would sacrifice everything he had for. Something he knew he could never have. He had never deserved it. Still he dreamed and hoped for it to come along one day. He was yearning to be loved. Touched and kissed in a way that he had never felt before.  
  
He was longing for someone to wipe away his tears when he needed it the most. For someone who could hold him tightly and tell him that everything would be good again and that all the evil would go away.  
  
He just wanted to feel that he was worthy of living and loving. He needed someone to give his love to. Someone to share his dreams, emotions, his life with.  
  
He knew Billy would not be that person. No matter how much he hoped and prayed for him to be. It was his destiny to be alone.  
  
Shifting a little, Jesse could feel his entire body tense when Billy began walking towards him.  
  
"Hey..." Billy greeted carefully, keeping a bit of distance from Jesse. He could sense that he was nervous. He did not want to hurt him or make him feel uncomfortable in any way. He looked at the younger man, eyes full of hope.  
  
"Please, come with me" he said. Jesse did not know what to do or say. Should he follow him or tell him to go away? "Please?" he pleaded, "You promised!" Jesse's curiosity won at last and he cautiously followed the other man into a room across the street.  
  
"What is it that you want?" Jesse was lightly quivering, the man before him beginning to scare him. The door closed. The room was darkened. The only light there was the sunlight that was able to penetrate through the cracks of the wooden door, shedding a faint glow over the dusty floor underneath their feet.  
  
Billy's face was decorated by a line of sunlight which had slipped through the cracks. He looked so much more beautiful than Jesse could remember. His blue eyes, twinkling like the ocean waves.  
  
"I only want to do one single thing... Will you allow me to do it?" Billy leered. Jesse was confused, instinctively looking around as he moved a bit closer to the blond man. "What is it?" he asked again. "I promise you that I will not hurt you!" he assured him. His voice sounded sincere, making Jesse more comfortable.  
  
He nodded, curiously waiting to know what Billy wanted.  
  
Before the younger man had a chance to react, Billy had moved in to steal a quick kiss from his soft lips. He moved away again just a quick, leaving Jesse in complete shock. "W-why did you do that?" Jesse stammered, his fingertips touching his lips, surprised by the sudden kiss.  
  
Something like that had never happened to him before. He had been beaten, violated, sexually abused, even felt as if the person he was with did have feelings for him. It had turned out to be untrue. And he was left in misery once again.  
  
This he had never experienced before. A kiss like this. It was nothing like he was used to. It was not rough or lustful. It was... sweet and curious. Unlike anything he was used to! It frightened Jesse.  
  
Billy shrugged, his eyes glittering in the faint sunlight. "It is something I have wanted to do for so long. I have seen you out here. Seen how they treat you. It makes my heart ache..." his voice trailed off almost into a whisper.  
  
Jesse felt as if he was frozen. Did not know what to say, do or think. All he knew was that what had just happened had felt good.  
  
"I - I..." Jesse swallowed as he struggled to express what was going on inside of him. Billy was patiently waiting, hoping for a positive reaction from the smaller man. "I should leave..." was all he got from him, his voice shaky as he started for the door.  
  
"No, please do not leave... Please?" Billy caught his arm gently trying to convince Jesse to stay with him a little longer. "I do not want this..." Jesse tried to get out of Billy's grip. He felt his cheeks blush faintly, hoping for Billy to believe his lie.  
  
Billy shook his head. He did not believe it. There was a certain spark in the younger man's eyes that told him that he wanted this as much as he did. He could not deny it. "Look me into my eyes and tell me that you do not want or need this" he demanded softly.  
  
What should he do? Billy was there, asking him... no demanding him to answer him. Should he be honest or should he deny his own feelings? Those feelings he never knew he could feel. The one thing he had never deserved. It was there right before his very eyes, but should he accept or reject it?  
  
Thoughts were swirling through his mind, making him so insecure. He was becoming strangely nervous about the situation. What if his owner would know about this? Would he be punished? Did Billy even know that he was a prostitute? Was he there to gain his friendship or to be sexually satisfied like the rest?  
  
Every single thought vanished from his mind when he once again felt moist lips against his. He wanted to pull away from the contact, but he could not do it. He needed it. He had been longing for this for so many years. It scared him, but he wanted it.  
  
He closed his eyes, allowing himself to enjoy the feel of it all. The way the kiss deepened was amazing, sending little sparks throughout all his veins. He could feel warm strong arms curl around his waist, softly caressing his tense muscles of his lower back. The feel of a slick tongue playing against his and the soft purr emitting from the other man's throat caused tears to form in his eyes, blurring his vision before managing to escape, trickling down his flushed cheeks.  
  
It seemed to go on forever. Pleasure. Joy. Happiness. Love. All new things to Jesse. He indulged all of it.  
  
They broke the kiss, already longing for each other. They glared into each other's eyes. Jesse felt the digit of Billy's index finger gently brush over his cheekbones, wiping away the tear droplets. He smiled. So did Jesse.  
  
"I should leave," Jesse abruptly said. He wanted to stay there with Billy, but he knew he could not. He needed to work or else his owner would be suspicious. "Will I see you again?" he quickly added, looking into Billy's glassy eyes.  
  
He nodded before kissing him lightly on his forehead, "You will."  
  
Jesse felt his entire body warming with a strange unknown feeling. It could only be love. So this was how it was to feel loved and to love. On an early stage of course. But he was willing to proceed to the next stage with this. It felt too good to let go.  
  
He watched Billy as he disentangled himself from him and opened the door, wishing for him to never leave his life. He had a bright smile on his face when he crossed the street back to where he would usually stand.  
  
***  
  
The past few weeks had been magical to Jesse. Everything had been surreal. Billy was wonderful. He had taught Jesse many important things about life and love. He had taught him how it was to be loved. In the emotional way and the intimate way.  
  
Many times since the day they met, they had shared moments of passionate love making. Jesse had been touched, kissed and loved in the way he had always dreamt of. And he had done his best to satisfy Billy the same way.  
  
The first time had been the greatest. Jesse had been in the sweetest haze of pure bliss. A heaven of pleasure. Billy was like an angel sent from above to save him from his misery. The sweetest angel.  
  
He had been so happy.  
  
Unfortunately his owner had noticed how happy he had been recently. He had begun to wonder. He had been suspicious. Jesse had changed so much lately. Could it have something to do with this Billy person he had seen him with sometimes on the street.  
  
The way they looked at one another. How Jesse was constantly letting Billy touch him. He rarely let anyone touch him like that. The smile that always appeared on his face every time he was there.  
  
One day he had decided to see what Jesse was doing when he was not on the street and not with him. He followed him, careful not to let Jesse know his presence.  
  
He watched them as they met in the darkness. Watching them as they embraced and kissed. He felt a sudden rage he had never felt before. Jesse was HIS and no one should touch him like that except himself! Jesse was nothing but a damn whore who did not deserve to be treated like that! He belonged in the gutter!  
  
He nearly felt disgusted by the way they looked at each other and held hands as they started walking down the deserted street, darkness surrounding them.  
  
Minutes of walking. They came to a small building, entering together, never letting go of each other. He followed until he came to the building, looking through the small windows. He was barely able to see anything. The windows were too dirty. He raised a hand to wipe away as much filth as he could.  
  
He was now able to see them perfectly.  
  
He watched as they held each other tightly. They began undressing each other, touching and caressing various parts of their bodies. He noticed that Jesse was aroused! He had never been while he was with him. On very rare occasions he had been able to make him aroused while he took him, but never before. Never like this!  
  
Jesse laid back on the bed, his body completely exposed. He could feel his blood boiling as he watched Billy crawl onto the bed. The way their bodies would grind against each other's. His eyes were full of anger as he watched Jesse arch against Billy, sudden jerking moves telling that it was blissful.  
  
He could not see anymore. He knew if he did then he would not be able to control himself. He wanted to beat Billy. Leave him lying motionless on the dirt and then he would have to punish Jesse in a way he had never done before! He would have to make him bleed! Scream!  
  
He just waited there for what seemed to be hours. He did not care about how long he had to wait. Jesse was his and he was determined to take him with him. And Billy could not stop him! If he tried then he would regret it!  
  
Looking into the window again, he clenched and unclenched his fists. They were sleeping in the bed together. Holding each other. The blankets barely draped over their naked bodies. A smile was on Jesse's lips.  
  
He waited patiently for the morning to come. And so it did.  
  
He looked into the window as soon as he could see the first rays of sun spreading it's light over the village. They had woken up. Both of them. Jesse was dressed and looked like he was ready to leave soon.  
  
He could take advantage of this. If Billy would stay inside then he could easily get Jesse. Now he only needed the slut to leave the building!  
  
He could see that Jesse was heading for the door now so he quickly hid himself around the corner, watching him as he opened the door and came out. He waited for a few seconds before he followed him down the street.  
  
A few minutes later Jesse had reached the place where he always waited. He did not even have the chance to turn around before he could feel a strong hand grasping his neck, another hand soon following and was placed over his mouth to silence him.  
  
A protesting whimper escaped him when he felt nails digging into his skin as he was dragged away by the stronger man. Into the building. Up the stairs. Into the room. He was pushed down onto the floor, a cloud of dust spreading around his shaky form when his back connected mercilessly against the hard surface of the wooden floor.  
  
"I saw you with your boyfriend! That Billy guy!" he spat, his face lined with anger and jealousy causing Jesse to shiver in fear. "You belong to me! And you damn well know, you stupid whore!" Jesse could feel tears beginning to prick behind his eyes. "Please..." he pleaded but was cut off by the other man, "Shut up!"  
  
Jesse slowly began crawling backwards when he saw the other man beginning to undress himself. But he did not let Jesse get away with what he had done. He kicked the younger man hard in his ribs, eliciting a whimper from his throat. He curled up in a ball, gasping for air as he waited for the pain and humiliation to come.  
  
***  
  
Jesse was disgusted with himself.  
  
He was wrapped in the blankets, sitting on the bed as he watched the man, who had just violated him, leave the room. He heard the faint noise from the key locking the door. He was making sure Jesse would not leave the room. He would probably go out and find Billy and hurt him.  
  
A stray tear trickled down his cheek then dripped onto his hand.  
  
He angrily wiped his eyes, sniffling. Crying would not help him. He rose from the bed and started getting dressed, trying to think of something different. He failed however.  
  
He hated everything about himself. The things he let people do to him. The fact that he was now the reason why Billy would be hurt. How he was unable to be with him anymore. His owner had told him that if he even spoke to Billy again then he would kill him. He did not want Billy to be killed. He would rather be dead then.  
  
The thought of never being with the only person he had ever truly loved was unbearable. He would not be able to stay sane. Knowing that he could never touch him or love him again. It was killing Jesse slowly. Eating his insides. Tearing him apart with every passing second.  
  
He could not take anymore.  
  
He stared at the lines of light, shining through the curtains before moving towards them. He pushed them aside allowing the light to warm his body. He glanced out the window. The sky was ocean blue. Not a single cloud in sight. He could hear the birds singing on the rooftop.  
  
Everything seemed so perfect. Only that it was not.  
  
He opened the window cautiously then stepped up until he was standing in the window, open wide. He inhaled deeply, watching his entire life flash before his eyes. So much pain and sorrow. It all stopped. An image of Billy. He curled his lips upwards as he could see a faint vision of Billy in his mind.  
  
He jumped. Letting go of all the pain he had been through. All the sorrows vanished. Only Billy. Only happiness. Only love. Only light.  
  
Time seemed to stand still for every person on the street. He was lying there. Motionless. Only waiting to decay.  
  
Only one person kneeled down next to the lifeless body. Sobs escaped his lips as he embraced the younger man, desperately hoping for him to come back to life.  
  
Billy tightened his grip around Jesse as he was begging God for an answer. Why had this happened? Why had their love been denied? Why had he left him?  
  
Questions he knew he could never get an answer to.  
  
####### The End ####### 


End file.
